Somewhere deep in my consciousness, I knew I have to eventually improve my writing skills to be good in my profession. This realisation was pushed a little to the surface after I got placed at my university’s Zero Day. But it was my experience at my traineeship that horrified me - my thought process is very clear and organised until it is in my brain. As soon as it comes to briefing a senior associate with the research I have done on a particular proposition, I stutter. Both mentally and physically. I try to begin with an overall conclusion as to the current position on law but then I shuffle between the facts of a particular case and then I jump onto the reasoning without even stating the ratio. My word-vomit is an entanglement of sentences that lacks meaning. I can see it on the associate’s face. This shortcoming is baffling to me, especially since I feel I am a good orator/communicator. Of course it might be just a delusion but the probability of that is honestly very less. I am not delirious.
For the past six months, I have been terrified of writing. Anything. I know that a rude awakening was in the cards. I cannot write to explain something technical. I cannot communicate my emotions because I cannot put them in words. I cannot write to save my life. And that is a scary thing. The legal profession hinges on your writing - whether it is emails to clients, your bosses, a legal opinion and most importantly, a draft.
I had to draft an early hearing application for my first case day before yesterday. It was straight-up shit. I knew it was shit when I sent it to my partner. It was advised to me that copy-pasting paragraphs from the case files is the traditional way. You cannot make a draft from scratch. It was advice from a very sweet associate who has been looking out for me since the past two weeks. I knew I could write better, at least syntactically. But since my deadline was just a few hours away, I Edward Scissor-handed almost all paragraphs and then added a few touches.
The next morning I saw the changes made to my draft and it was reduced to only red lines. It sucked a tad bit but I brushed it off considering it was my first draft of my professional career. I have become much better at reorienting my attitude and not letting anything touch my self-confidence, but my writing makes me very insecure. There, I have said it out loud for the first time in my life. And it gets so much more embarrassing because I have been an avid reader all my life. In fact, and I say this very humbly, I think I read the most among the people I know. Then why-oh-why do I write so average?
The best way forward for me is to write anything in thirty minute slots on my Substack. This newsletter has been dead for so long that it is unreasonable to expect someone to read it and that is all I want. An empty void to practice my underwhelming writing until I genuinely create something I am proud of. It is also easier to write if I treat this platform as my personal journal that lacks any internal and external judgement. Anyway, this initial lament is the result of my first session. I should hopefully not be this whiny in the next sessions but that just depends on the day I have had.
Note: I could not even think of a decent ending line because the time ran out. Ultimately I wish to see progress every month, even an iota of it is perfectly fine. Maybe by the end of this year I get capable enough to write a super sentimental piece, what a wonderful feeling it would be.