exciting
a Monday of highs
I reached home today at ten, warmed up some kaddu and chappatis with my flatmate, sat cross-legged on my bed, unhurriedly spilt the happenings of our day to each other and ate food as it should be eaten - slowly and with your loved ones. It feels as if it has been ages since I have enjoyed my dinner and am not hyperventilated about the endless quantum of work I see looming over me. Before my first bite, I have already calculated the amount of sleep I would get that night. By the time the chappati ends, I have already decided on the period of sleep that shall give me ample hours to finish work and get a quick boost as well.1 But today felt different.
My brain was on overdrive the entire day. Shifting context rapidly (in terms of cases staffed to a disputes lawyer) is not easy but I am getting a hang of it, at least a tiny bit. I can feel myself growing each day. The best thing about being a fresh slate is that there is nothing you can do except absorb. I am absorbing knowledge while sitting in the cafeteria. I am absorbing knowledge by talking to the office clerks. I am absorbing something or the other every single moment - and I love it. The feeling of figuring something out, as tiny as the jurisdiction of a very specific suit in a particular taluka, makes me innately happy. My sense of self strengthens every time I achieve something. Its magnitude does not matter as long as I am proud of myself by the end of the day.
Today is one of those days. I submitted a great draft (in my opinion), delegated work to interns, reviewed their work and found a solution to a difficult research proposition. I am immensely satisfied today. It has just been a month since I moved out of my home for the first time. I am the same person, but I have changed tremendously as well.
Pride is very a difficult feeling to articulate. It has always been self-love for me and I am nothing without this continuous feeling of accomplishment. Like always I have a long to-do list that barely has any tickmarks, I might have to wake up at four to check off at least two of them and I still have to read the news. This life wrenches my stomach and gets my mood down to the pits so many times but not today. I am genuinely excited to excel in this profession and I know a few years down, I will. But today the world feels like my oyster. Today I feel limitless.
Note: I am sure when I read this again tomorrow morning, I shall die of cringe/ embarrassment /shame for writing cliche stuff which is not even good - but now it is written. Now it deserves to be out in the void.
Usually, it is 12 am to 4 am. I love waking up at four.
The best way to become a good human being is to start absorbing good things, learning from all ups and downs, and pursuing things that make you happy. Finally, love whatever you do..
We are proud of you — and congrats you on your first month professional experience 🤗❤️
love your writing and deeply relate to moving away from home for the first time—your brain succumbing to the process of becoming, fulfilling the looming endless tasks on the to-do list, and then finding yourself amidst an evening of loving and reveling in food. the joy of that. loved the bit on 'to be a fresh slate', just absorbing. i was reading elizabeth gilbert's big magic earlier, and she writes, "writers are told to write what they know, and all i knew was that i didn't know very much yet, so i went forth in deliberate search of material." i hope your days are full of good material this year. love x